My writing grove is back! It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted anything and it feels good to be writing again; to just purge my soul and my mind through writing is so very therapeutic for me. Over the last couple of weeks, each time I’ve tried to write anything with any substance, the words have failed me. Repeatedly I tried to put my thoughts down only to have them get stuck in my mind and stay there until 3am, by which time I am too sleepy and tired to get up and write them down. I’ve been writing other things, such as poetry, but I just haven’t been able to get my actual thoughts down. Until today. Today, sitting in McDonalds having coffee (don’t you judge me!), the words are back and I can’t help but smile.
The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I’ve drawn a few conclusions about things, made some decisions about other things, and have just sort of sat back and watched the world go by. I’ve been occupied with mum as this round of chemotherapy has brought to the surface a lot of anxiety for her. A LOT of anxiety. It wasn’t really something we thought about or considered when we started chemo, however we now realise that due to the way chemotherapy messes with your hormones, (another charming aspect of chemotherapy) it can bring to the surface a lot of anxiety and emotional distress. While mum hasn’t had much emotional distress, the anxiety has really gotten to her and we are at a point where she can’t get through her chemotherapy without a sedative to calm her down or put her to sleep. Interestingly enough, while speaking to some other chemo patients (I’m finding myself too restless when I’m with mum in the ward, so while she sleeps, I talk to people), many of them have previously taken sedatives during part of their sessions as well. One lady told me that she only got through one session without a sedative, the rest of her sessions were spent with her sleeping through the whole thing. Praise God for sedatives I say. While I am not a fan of constant medication unless absolutely necessary, I’m encouraging mum to take the sedatives to help her get through, as our other option is stopping the chemo, which isn’t really an option.
Other than that, the last few weeks have been full of great insights and revelations about things; myself, those around me; life. Call it a ‘Month of Enlightenment’ (sounds rather deep and meaningful, doesn’t it??). During this month, I have experienced a whole range of emotions. My word, have I experienced some emotions! There has been sadness at certain things. There has been heartache for people around me that are ill or going through their own struggles. There has been an increase in prayer as I seek God more and as I appreciate my need for Him in my life even more.There has been hurt over the actions of some people who I thought loved me, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve had to deal with the wounds from those that hurt me and get myself to a place of forgiveness. There has been laughter shared over meals with friends (I have dinner with 2 of my besties every Thursday night and coffee with another one of my besties every Sunday night. Let me tell you, these friends are A.MAZ.ING and great for my soul). There has been hysterical laughter over comments made by people (thanks for the material for my book girls!). There has been deep and meaningful conversations about life and faith and the world shared around the coffee table at a friends house or in the car driving around. All of these encounters have impacted me and made me think and made me let go and made me love more fiercely. Again, it’s been a month of revelation and I’ve had to process many things.
However one of the biggest revelations I have had over the last month is that there is more to be done. Each Thursday in the chemo ward I am confronted with people that are lonely and hurting and afraid. One lady that I struck up a conversation with told that she has no one here to call or rely. Literally, no one; no partner, friends, family, neighbours. That broke my heart and I provided what limited support and friendship I could to her while I was there. Another patient was talking about how expensive the treatment was for them and whether to go ahead with another round. You listen to all these conversations and you think ‘there is so much to be done to help people’, and I’m trying to work out how I can help. I am in no way boasting or looking for a pat on the back for being a good person etc, etc. I don’t need approval or praise (unless you want to give me chocolate as a way of telling me I’m awesome, then it would be rude to decline that), I am genuinely hurting for these people and I trying to work out what I can do to help reduce some pain or loneliness from their lives. I am praying for God to provide opportunities and open doors so that I can do something. I’m talking to people at the hospital about what I can do and how I can get involved. I don’t want to just do anything, but something that can impact at least one person. And I figure because a few people read this, it’s a good place to talk about it and get more people thinking about it. So if you’re reading this, please think about whether or not there is anything you can do. And if you can’t do anything for whatever reason, throw any ideas you may have my way because I’m open to suggestions!
Until next time, be blessed people!