Last week I had a Moses moment. If you’re imagining me standing by the beach, parting the waters, that’s not what I meant, though that would have been super cool. But no, it was a more humbling moment. On Sunday morning while at church, everything just became so overwhelming that I couldn’t even hold my head up and I just cried. And cried. And without even asking for it, some of the women just gathered around me and held me up. Literally. They held me while I cried and then they prayed for me because I couldn’t get the words out. They prayed over my mum, they prayed over me and my family, they spoke words of life and victory over this season of our lives. They prayed and made faith filled declarations on my behalf and allowed me to just absorb their love. I call it my Moses moment because there is a part in the Bible where Moses was to hold his staff above his head in order to defeat his enemy and at one point in the night his arms got weary. Instead of letting his arms drop, 2 guys stood on either side of him and held his arms up for him, and he got through the battle (Exodus 17:11-13). And that’s exactly how it felt for me on Sunday. I felt weary and tired, but they stepped in and held me up. And while I was still tired afterward, I felt that my battle had been won through their help. It was beautiful to be loved in that way. And the love hasn’t stopped as messages and calls and hugs have come my way.
If you’re wondering why it all got too much, the answer is that last week was the worst week we had experienced with chemo so far. Mum was bed ridden for days and was in pain, not eating, not really moving, and just falling deeper into depression. It was a rough week trying to physical and mentally hold her up. And it was constant until Friday. On Friday I had ducked out to get some things for mum and came back to find that mum had made her bed. Let the angels rejoice! It may not sound like a big deal, but I wanted to whoop with joy and dance around the house because it was the first indication in days that mum was able to get up and move. It also indicated that she didn’t want to stay in bed, so it meant mentally she was back on. While I didn’t dance around the house, there was plenty of hallelujah shouts and dancing going on inside of my mind. The real awkward happy dance where you don’t know how to move or what music you’re dancing to so you just wave your arms in the air kind of dancing. It was a big moment, clearly.
But it wasn’t just mum that bought on the meltdown. To add to that, the last couple of weeks have brought other challenges that I’ve had to deal with. I won’t go into it now because truthfully, I’m just not ready to put it into words, but I’ve been challenged and frustrated in other areas of my life and it’s all taken a toll. My heart has been heavy and my mind has running non stop. And the reason I’ve not asked for help is because it’s not something that other people can help with, it’s just something I needed to deal with and unpack and work out alone. So that, with mums chemo, has produced a tired, grumpy, insecure and unsettled little Leila. It’s not a feeling I like, nor is it one I know how to deal with, though I am trying. But it reminded me again that no matter what is happening in your life, the rest of the world goes on. Dramas continue to arise. You still experience joy in the midst of suffering. The world continues to turn and the sun continues to shine. Everything just keeps on moving. So you keep on moving with it.
And that’s what we’re trying to do at the moment, just keep moving. Things are looking up in the sense that we are 2 months into the 6 month treatment schedule, so that light at the end of the tunnel is slowly getting brighter. Also, mum hasn’t lost anymore hair, which is definitely something to be grateful for. Mind you, it’s just stopped growing, so she sort of has this pattern of hair unevenly running across her head in different shades of black, grey and white. Thankfully she has a good shaped head and the shaved head looks good on her. It’s rather cute. It also means I get to use the left over hairs to draw patterns on her head. Win win. But this is where we are right now. Not yet finished, but getting closer by the week. And through it all, the world will continue to turn and the sun will continue to shine.