I think the stress of the last few weeks has caught up with me and my body decided yesterday it had enough. I woke up yesterday morning feeling absolutely exhausted and drained and just bone weary. I figured I probably didn’t get enough sleep so after having tea I went to have a shower, which was not a good move as I found myself curled up on the shower floor, shaking, nauseated and unable to breath properly. I ended up calling mum to help me out of the shower and into bed where I ended up sleeping for most of the day. I think it was more my mind, not my body that had decided it was over it. A lot of my mental processing and prayer is done on the run. I have dedicated times of praying and reading my Bible but a lot of times I will think and analyse while I’m doing other things and I think my mind decided it needed a rest. So that was what I did yesterday; slept, watched TV and just numbed my mind to things. I ended up in bed at 8:30pm and slept through to the morning. I woke up today feeling a little weary but a whole lot better than yesterday. I generally look after myself but I realise that I haven’t been doing that too well lately, and I was reminded how important that is this morning when mum came in and just held me while saying “you gave me a heart attack yesterday when I walked into the bathroom and found you on the floor”. Note to self: NOT a good time to be freaking mum out 2 days from surgery! But she did the Lebanese mum thing and stuffed me with food this morning, which I think had a better affect on her than it did me. But if feeding me for the next 2 days helps make her feel better about things, I’ll run with it. After all, food makes me happy so why not.
She goes in tomorrow to get the dye put in and to get some nodules frozen (I think that’s what they are??) prior to her surgery on Wednesday. I must say she is in a good state of mind about the surgery. She is keen for Thursday to come around so that she can get it done already. Her fear is what happens after and whether or not she will need chemo. I’ve spoken to a few people who have had breast cancer and they’ve all had radiation therapy instead of chemo. Dad had the radiation when he had prostate cancer 4 years ago so we know how that works, so it doesn’t freak mum out as much. But she, along with most people, has heard so many horror stories about chemo that it scares her. It would scare me a little to be honest. But in all things trust in the Lord, and that’s what we are doing. We are believing that she won’t need chemo, that surgery will be enough and she will be done with it. Anyone looking for a prayer point please feel free to pray for that!
To be honest I’m not too worried about the surgery, modern science and medicine is amazing and I know they can do amazing things. What I’m most worried about is the waiting period after surgery before we find out about any further treatment. Apparently the doctor told her it would be 10 days before she finds out if she needs chemo or not. Those 10 days are going to be hard…for all of us. It’s going to be hard for mum for obvious reasons, and also for us for obvious reasons. The mind is a fascinating thing and if not controlled, can drive you crazy. I’ve said before that an idle mind is the devils playground and I really believe that, so I’m planning on keeping mum busy (within reason) for those 10 days; dvd’s, lunch trips when she’s up for it, visits with friends when she’s up for it. I don’t want her sitting at home just waiting for the results because it will drive her and myself crazy. I also need to find time during that to look after myself and give myself some time alone. Last week I went and got my nails done as a way to treat myself and just do something for me. It may sound selfish but I just needed to do something that would only benefit me, something that wouldn’t make anyone but me smile. So I got a nice girlie colour done and came home. A week on and the nails still look pretty and I’m happy. Small things, small minds, I know but it works. Having said that, I’m not really in a position to get my nails done each week so I will need to find other things to do. Going to the gym feels good and I’ll continue that, but to be honest I think I need something that is purely an indulgence (a cheap indulgence!).
I’ve been having weekly coffee catch ups with my friends and that has been wonderful. As always, I thank God for the people He has surrounded me with, as I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my friends and church family. Messages, coffees, emails, they haven’t left me alone (in a good way, not a stalker, won’t-give-me-room-to-breath sort of way) and I’m grateful for that. They’ve allowed me to sit in silence or talk their ear off. They’ve let me cry and have at times just sat and prayed with me. They’ve also encouraged me to be selfish, which I have, and will be doing. Some things have come up and I’ve just had to turn around and say ‘sorry, no’ because I’m not in the right headspace or emotional space to deal with it. I think sometimes you just need to step away from things and focus on the things that require the most attention, otherewise you will be giving only part of yourself to any given situation, instead of 100 percent.
But anyway…bring on Thursday so we can get this thing sorted out and move on. Looking forward to reporting the successful outcome post Thursday!
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